A boy was mean to me today.
It’s been a long time since that has happened, and it surprised me.
And it… it really just hurt my feelings. Ugh.
I had been having an already awful day: I had my weekly 8 am class, my car stereo was acting wonky, the line-up for Tim Hortons was outrageously long… it felt like the universe was just trying to ruin my life, you know what I mean?
All I wanted to do was grab some coffee with my friend and work on an assignment for school that’s been kind of stressing me out. I was dangerously close to a mental breakdown before the fateful interaction with my newest arch-nemesis, so it really caught me off-guard how blatantly rude he was.
I was under the impression that, I don’t know, social norms prohibited this sort of behaviour. Evidently I was wrong.
For the sake of preserving the big bully’s anonymity, I won’t go too far into detail about what took place. Let’s just say he was overly sensitive about an issue I presented… & instead of behaving like an adult, he introduced a passive-aggressive argumentative technique that just made everyone involved real uncomfortable.
Naturally, because I’m a self-involved emotional basketcase on a good day, I took everything he said straight to heart & proceeded to burst into tears in the middle of the busy cafeteria.
It would have been embarrassing, had I not been so used to crying in public due to my overly sentimental wiring. What bothered me the most about this situation wasn’t his attitude (surprisingly) or my tears, it was the way that this minor altercation rocked me so radically right to my very core.
I was wrecked. & being the absolutely uncontrollably self-aware person that I am, it made me seriously uncomfortable.
This one guy, who I have talked to like barely once in my life, was able to cut me down with a few sharp words. I know it wasn’t him, it was all me & my reactions. But, in that moment, he became every single guy who had ever been mean, or rude, or judgemental of me. & I became the girl who let dudes be mean, rude, & judgemental.
It sucked — hence the tears.
It reminded me that although I have grown a lot, I still have a long way to go. I still have a lot of unfinished business, & a lot of unconfronted issues. Which made me think: am I single because in my effort to propel myself forward, I’ve ignored fully dealing with problems from my past?
Yeah. That might have something to do with it. I have spent a lot of time rebranding myself: creating the best version of me I can be. In my efforts to do that, though, I have failed to actively acknowledge the person I was, & what (ahem, who) screwed me up so much in the first place. Letting go of baggage is a good thing; paving over baggage & trying to forget about it is not.
I need to reconcile my present self with that of my past: the girl who was scared & insecure, with the girl who is confident & funny & a little bit lost a lot of the time.
So, I’ll do that. & I’ll be that girl. & hopefully one day I can find myself, so that some lucky guy can find me, too.