I have a bad habit of falling in luv with my friends.
I’ve never had that instant spark with a dude, you see. My attractions are always a slow burn. A tiny, minute ember that eventually warms into a wee flame, & that then flares into a full-blown conflagration, & then, before you know it, I’m consumed.
This is a problem. & I’ll tell you why.
It all started with my best guy friend from high school & it’s been a steep slope since then. I just… I become friends with a guy, & we hang out a couple times (in the most severe case, we moved in together–that was a mistake & a half), & then as soon as I’ve been sufficiently friend-zoned I start to have feelings for him. It’s a pattern that I fall into every single time. By the time I realize I actually kinda dig the dude, it’s too late. We’re friends now. We’ve shared gross, intimate details. I know too much. & besides that, I’m one of the guys.
You don’t date one of the guys.
I don’t know how to not be someone’s friend–I don’t know how to be someone’s potential girlfriend. I have this tendency to get immediately close to people & with guys that means i’m herded straight into the quicksand of romance: the friend-zone. I’m never the girl guys want to be with; I’m always the girl guys talk to about the other girls they want to be with. Because I am a great listener. & I give awesome advice. Because I’m a great friend.
Ugh, it sucks. It doesn’t suck to have friends who trust me & look to me for guidance–that’s pretty great. Don’t get me wrong: I like being that person people turn to in times of need. What I don’t like is when a dude I am finally romantically interested in babbles to me incessantly about the beautiful girl(s) he wants to be with. This happens to me all. the. time.
& I don’t know why.
For other girls I know it just seems so easy. They put out this sexy, charismatic, babely energy that makes men swoon. I just don’t get it–what do they have that I don’t? (Other than boyfriends/fiancés/husbands/random men falling at their feet of course).
I’m not completely sure. But I think it has to do with confidence & being slightly unattainable. you know, not being so GOD DAMN NICE & FRIENDLY ALL THE TIME.
(Sorry for shouting.)
I need to push past the pleasantness & uncover my sultry alter-ego: let my not-so-nice side out for a bit & see what happens.