152. Maybe it’s because I’m too BUSY.

My life is such a goddamn mess right now. It feels like every single day brings with it a new deadline & I’m passed overwhelmed & entering mental breakdown territory.


School has been more intense in the last three weeks than its been in the last three¬†years.¬†I can’t even–it’s insanity. I’m going crazy.¬†I’ve been juggling work (times 2) with school, & it just doesn’t leave a whole lot of room for anything else.¬†I don’t have time for all the things I¬†need¬†to do, much less the things I¬†want¬†to.

Woe is me, right?

So, no boys to report. No life to report. Just an endless cycle of work, school, food, & (sometimes) sleep. Oh, & probably way too much drinking (sorry mum).

Until further notice, I’ll be drowning sorrows in fermented fruit juice & stringing words together as coherently as possible. At this rate, I might have time to date around mid-April?

152. Maybe it’s because I’m too BUSY.

151. Maybe it’s because I’m selfish.

I did a really shitty thing. I’m not even going to try to disguise it, or sugarcoat it, or frame it in a way that doesn’t make me look like an utter asshole. Because, at the end of the day, what I say doesn’t matter–what really matters is how I feel. & right now I feel like a selfish asshole.

So, what’d I do? What horrible, awful, terrible deed did I commit? I broke something. Well, I actually probably broke a few things–trust, commitment, hearts. You know, all those things that are easily repaired.

Let me lay it all out for you here. I said–nay!–I committed to¬†going to my friend’s wedding. I have been looking forward to her nuptials since before she even got engaged, & when her boyfriend (now fianc√©) finally popped the question, I was¬†ecstatic. I couldn’t have been happier for her if I tried. & I was happy for me too–they bounced around the idea of a destination wedding, & I was all for it (I mean, a wedding-tropical vacation combination, what more could a single gal want?). I am all about weddings (I’ve been to enough now to officially claim that, yes, they are an enjoyable experience) & I am all about beaches & I was all about this particularly wedding on this particular beach¬†until¬†(here is where I start to turn into an asshole, for the folks following along at home) a once-in-a-lifetime experience came up. Iceland.

Everybody loves Iceland. Right? Ever since Icelandair came about with their dirt cheap flights & stopover¬†options, there’s not a single person who hasn’t at least¬†thought about visiting the tiny, Nordic (?) nation.¬†

Show me someone who hasn’t, & I’ll show you a¬†liar.¬†

Anyway–I caught wind of this amazing retreat in Iceland & all I could think about was how much I wanted to go. I checked out flights. Crunched numbers. Bought oversized sweaters–all the normal, pre-trip-to-Iceland things. Everything was falling into place, when all of a sudden, to my¬†horror, I realized that Iceland & my friend’s wedding were going to be happening¬†at the same time.¬†


Because I am the¬†worst¬†friend¬†ever, I’m now going to Iceland in lieu of my friend’s wedding & as shitty as it makes me feel… there’s no way I could’ve not picked the adventure of a lifetime.

Sorry, girl.

I’m selfish. I know it.¬†There’s just no way around it. But is it unfair to think that occasionally being selfish is warranted… & should even be¬†encouraged?¬†That maybe it’s a little bit okay to put yourself first every once in a while & take advantage of a possible career-propelling opportunity when it falls in your lap? It might just be me trying to make myself feel better… but (in true Millennial fashion) I definitely think that this brand of selfishness has a time & a place. It’s just unfortunate that it was the same time & different place as another commitment.

To my friend: I’m sorry. I hope you understand that this wasn’t easy for me–there were no coins flipped, no straws drawn, no flippant decision-making aids implemented. It was all me, pondering long & hard over what to do, & unfortunately… well, you know what happened. I wish you & your beau the best on your future wedding day. &, as possible penance, there will probably be an extravagant, expensive, & possibly authentically Icelandic wedding gift coming your way.

151. Maybe it’s because I’m selfish.

150. Maybe it’s because I’m never f-ing home.

Labour Day Weekend has passed & school has officially started, which means that summer is over–at least for me it is. I’m sad about it, but also ready to get back into the school routine (complemented, of course, with a healthy dose of work).

Summer always seems to go by fast–too fast–& the older I get, the swifter¬†it flies by. This year raced past especially quick, helped along by the fact that I spent most of it travelling around the country. From an impromptu road trip to Vancouver, to a mini trek to my parents’ lake lot in the Rockies, to my cross-country epic through the Canadian Shield to Toronto, I gave myself plenty of opportunities to wander the nation.

& it was¬†awesome. But, as was pointed out by my BFF’s boyfriend on my most recent adventure, perhaps the reason a long-term relationship continues to elude me is due to the fact that I am never fucking home.


I don’t give myself enough time in one place to even start a relationship, much less maintain one… which is exactly why the longest-standing, consistent interaction with the opposite sex was with my Second Cup barista (oh, how I miss those sweet, sweet London Fogs… nobody makes them like he does). & even then, I was never able to pull the trigger & actually fucking talk to the guy, so all that time was really time wasted (not actually though, because even seeing his beautiful face was reward enough if I’m being honest). But my point still stands–4 months is not long enough to do anything really¬†romantic. & the rate at which I’m choosing to travel (when I’m not hibernating in homework) is seriously hindering my chances of securing the role as someone’s other half.

I embraced my inner nomad this summer, & that might have led me away from the future love of my life here at home… but I think that’s an opportunity I’m okay with missing. & besides, who knows what kind of hunky, man-bunned babe¬†I might meet on the road–a girl’s got to keep her¬†options open after all.

150. Maybe it’s because I’m never f-ing home.

Maybe it’s because I just need a minute.


I wish I had something more to say this week, but the truth is that starting back at school coupled with some sort of super virus invading my immune system has knocked me on my ass & I just couldn’t get it together enough to write anything.

Truthfully, I’ve been a phlegmy, dramatic mess of used tissues & snot, & my neck hurts from driving all the way across the country (twice), & I can’t seem to do anything right lately according to, well, me. So it’s been a struggle to get anything onto paper because all I want to do is delete, scratch out, & irreversibly maim everything I’ve written & crawl into bed & sleep for the rest of my life.

I’ve had writer’s block before, but this is like writer’s barricade. It’s the Berlin Wall of blocks. There’s an Iron Curtain around my brain & it’s just making my life miserable.

I know that it’s a bad combination of being sick & being stressed, but everything feels so hard right now.¬†& yeah, I don’t want it to be easy… but I also don’t want to feel like each word is the difference between success & failure.

In other words, I’ve been too busy complaining & feeling bad about myself to figure out why I’m single this week, although… given my overall mood & the rate at which I’m expelling bodily fluids via my nostrils, I can’t say it’s that big of a mystery as to why I’ve been going home alone.

Maybe it’s because I just need a minute.

149. Maybe it’s because I’m on the road again.

My days left in Toronto are waning. This bums me out–a lot. Seeing my BFF again just reminds me how much I miss her… I spend enough time with her to forget that it’s temporary, before I am swept back to Edmonton, back to school, back to my current life.

So I’m on the road again, en route to Edmonton (not¬†via Sault Ste. Marie, if I have anything to say about it)¬†to start my fourth & hopefully final year of my undergraduate degree. I am excited for school in the way that I am excited about anything that gets me closer to achieving my dream. School has opened up doors for me; it’s created a network of friends, writers, & other creative people & for that I am grateful. But I am ready to be free. I am ready to race across the stage, toss my cap in the air, & then jet off to the next step in my adventure–whatever that step may be.

But, I’m getting ahead of myself. My focus needs to be on the¬†now,¬†not the future (my now, right now, is making my way through wine bottle #2 with my BFF, but that is beside the point).¬†I need to work on continuing to better myself, & my writing. I’ve got to keep my mind on the¬†journey, because that’s what’s going to get me to my destination. & above all else, I’ve got to keep going.

Because, if there’s anything I’ve learned in my time in Toronto this year, it’s that opportunities look like hard work, perseverance is key in anything you do, & shoes always fit–unless they’re Valentinos.



149. Maybe it’s because I’m on the road again.

148. Maybe it’s because I’m in Toronto… Again.

It’s that time again! I am back in Toronto for my annual trip to see my BFF &, boy, does it feel good to be home.

This time, I skipped flying & decided to navigate my way across the country by car, which was¬†amazing–despite the fact that I had to spend a¬†night in Sault Ste. Marie & it rained the entire drive. But it was worth every inch because I’m here now, back where I belong, &, despite the inclement weather, I managed¬†to see some really cool things along the way.

Somewhere between Thunder Bay & Sault Ste. Marie
Somewhere between Thunder Bay & Sault Ste. Marie

There was my pitstop in Winnipeg where I spent a¬†morning hanging out with animals at the Assiniboine Zoo (I managed to get up close & personal with some polar bears, snowy owls, buffalo, & a cougar, among other creatures) before crossing the longitudinal centre of Canada¬†to spend some time on the shores of Lake Superior via Thunder Bay’s marina. I’ve never had the pleasure of seeing a Great Lake before & it’s something I suggest¬†everybody¬†throws on their bucket list–immediately. It ranks with the Rocky Mountains for me as some of Mother Nature’s finest work.

Getting up close & personal with Hudson, one of the most famous resident polar bears at the Assiniboine Zoo’s Journey to Churchill exhibit. Photo cred: Katt Adachi
Blizzard, one of the polar bear cubs, hanging out near the pool.
Blizzard taking a dip. The polar bear cubs Humphrey, Blizzard, & Star had been introduced into the exhibit from the on-site Polar Bear Conservation centre the day before we went to the zoo. Talk about good timing!
A cougar on the prowl in her enclosure.
Snowy owls! They are the first animals you see on your way through the Journey to Churchill.
Buffalo! The white buffalo was an amazing sight to see.
Boats safely moored in the Thunder Bay marina.
This is me, pensively taking in the Sleeping Giant: a natural rock formation visible from the Thunder Bay Marina, that looks like a large human taking a snooze (as the name would suggest). Photo cred: Katt Adachi
The shores of Lake Superior, a little inlet called Old Woman Bay. Just a mind-blowing manifestation of natural beauty.

& now I’m in¬†my favourite city with my favourite person, doing nothing on her front porch. & I’m so, so, so happy to be here.

We did all the tourist-y crap last year–climbing the CN tower, taking in a Jays game, & scoping out the city from the 51st floor at The One Eighty–but now we’re just taking it easy & enjoying the little time we have together. It’s not easy cramming a year of hanging out into ten days, but if anybody can do it… we can.

A little bit of inspiration c/o of some Thunder Bay public art.
148. Maybe it’s because I’m in Toronto… Again.

147. Maybe it’s because I’m in Winnipeg (again)?

Winnipeg is a Canadian city that doesn’t get a whole lot of love, & that doesn’t make¬†any¬†sense to me. I mean, it’s got so¬†much to offer:¬†Assiniboine Zoo (complete with the most adorable polar bears), Assiniboine Park, the Human Rights Museum, The Forks, ¬†The Exchange, The Royal Mint, & the Winnipeg Art Gallery, not to mention it’s the birthplace of the best department store ever,¬†The Hudson’s Bay… what’s not to love?

I love it so much, I’ve made a point to visit¬†twice¬†this summer.

The first visit (for a friend’s wedding) gave me a taste, but I had to come back to get the full experience. Luckily, I had a cross-country road trip in the works and it didn’t take a lot of persuading to convince my cross-country cohort¬†that we needed to make a stopover in the ‘Peg.

So, after a 14 hour drive and a decent night’s sleep we are ready to tackle this town & all of its amenities before heading on the next leg of our trip: a quick dip down to Thunder Bay.

Wish us luck! & if there are any fellow Winnipeg-lovers out there, please let me know what your favourite part of the city is!


147. Maybe it’s because I’m in Winnipeg (again)?

146. Maybe it’s because I’m doing it all wrong?

A few posts back, I was espousing my distrust of the popular dating app Tinder. &, although I’m still unsure as to it’s relationship-creating properties, I did have a realization last week that maybe Tinder¬†can¬†work… as long as you’re using it correctly.

It might not be an effective tool for meeting new people, but what about rekindling old flames?

I was casually swiping one night, when I came across the profile of my junior high school crush. He looked¬†pretty much¬†the same (older, wiser, beard-ier), & I was immediately reminded of how enamoured I was with him when I was in my early teens. He was the class clown–hilarious, quick-witted, & unashamed of making a fool out of himself, traits that I still find myself drawn to. He was also still a bona fide babe. I decided to swipe right & was surprised when it came back that we were a match.

I took a risk, & did the highly un-lady-like thing of messaging him first.

“I had the biggest crush on you in junior high,” I messaged, including a few artfully placed see-no-evil monkey emojis.

He responded, & we ended up having an actual conversation, with stimulating content, & I was pleased when he wanted to take the conversation from messaging on Tinder into the real world. Schedules were exchanged, plans were made, & now we’re hanging out over the weekend–& I am actually excited about it. I’m not planning-our-wedding excited, but I am, for the first time in a¬†really¬†long time, looking forward to kickin’ it with a member of the opposite sex.

It’s probably not a real date, & I am tamping down any hopes that it will turn into “something”, but at this point… who cares? We spend too much time planning the future when we can just enjoy the present. Right now,¬†I’m just looking forward to catching up with an old friend…¬†& if we end up realizing my junior high school dream of sloppily making out… well, that’d just be the cherry on top.

146. Maybe it’s because I’m doing it all wrong?

145. Maybe it’s because I’m in BC.

I’m back in BC this weekend, & it’s been glorious. Me, three friends, two dogs, & a cooler full of beer & raw dog food made the trek through the Rockies to kick it for a couple days at my parents’ lake lot on the shores of the little known Lake Koocanusa.

I may have been born in the Prairies, but I was reared in the Kootenays: that’s where I learned how to swim, it’s where I learned to drive, & it’s where I’ve been spending summers since, well, since I can remember.

It’s a place that I hold near to my heart & I’ve got more than a few memories from summers there as a kid. I’m really looking forward to reliving my youth with a few nostalgic-rich days laying on the beach, perusing the local Farmer’s Market, taking things international with a day trip across the border, & maybe even catching a fish or two.

There’s a good chance I’m doing one (or all) of those things right now, actually, & I’m not even a little bit sorry about it. So, I might be alone… but at least I’m in the beautiful province of BC while I’m doin’ it. 

145. Maybe it’s because I’m in BC.

144. Maybe¬†it’s because I’m socially inept.

I’ve been an accidental asshole to the cute barista (aka the LOVE OF MY LIFE) twice this week. & it’s caused me an undue amount of stress.

All I want to do is¬†talk¬†to this guy (I know I said that I didn’t want to talk to him, I know, but it’s a girl’s prerogative to change her mind) but it seems like every time I have the opportunity to do so… something happens. I panic. I freeze. & I forget how to be a nice, normal human being. I don’t greet him. I don’t smile at him. I don’t do anything that indicates that I don’t, in fact, hate him. Instead, I make creepy eye contact¬†for an unnecessarily extended period of time and refuse to let my mouth curve into a natural-looking, pleasant expression.

He’s just¬†so¬†goddamn attractive–it’s overwhelming. & my inability to strike up a conversation with him creates this really frustrating dissonance for me: I want to talk to him, but I just¬†can’t.¬†There’s this gap between where I am & what I want… normally, I’m a master at bridging that gap. I am no stranger to filling gaps in my life–I’m a goal-setter, a list-maker, a real go-getter (if the mood calls for it, anyway), so when I see something I want that I, for whatever reason, can’t get it’s frustrating. Very, very frustrating.

Every day, I see him. & every day, I don’t talk to him. &¬†every day¬†I kind of hate myself for it.

Why can’t I fill this gap? What is making me fail day, after day, after day?

I’ve been putting a lot of pressure on myself this summer: I want¬†to succeed at every single thing, & this crush might push¬†me over the edge. There’s even more pressure, now, because, as the situation denotes, this crush has an expiry date. My internship ends in a few weeks, school starts in September, & after that I won’t have an excuse (or the time)¬†to waltz through the Milner Library Second Cup 6 times a day & admire the babely, blue-eyed barista boy.


So, here we are–the clock’s a tickin’ & I’ve got to make my move. I’ve got to fill that gap with the sweet, sweet sounds of flirtation conversation. I want to. I need to.

&, hopefully,  I will.

144. Maybe¬†it’s because I’m socially inept.

143. Maybe it’s because I get anxious.

It’s no secret that I’m a tad high-strung, but my anxiety levels have really peaked this summer, & it’s starting to be¬†kind of¬†a bit of a problem.

I don’t normally like to ask for help, & I hate admitting that I’m weak or whatever, but things are getting out of control over here. It’s bad. I… I can’t do it.

I’m constantly in a state of stress–my back hurts, my head hurts, my vision is blurry, my emotions are more out of control than usual & I always seem to be grumpy. I’m wound so tight that it takes little-to-nothing to make me snap. I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep, barring stolen naps at work¬†or catatonic bus rides downtown.

As you can imagine, I am so tired, all the time. So I guzzle energy drinks & expensive lattes & eat junk food & exercise too much & buy shit I don’t need with money I definitely don’t have & wander around my house aimlessly thinking about my mile-long¬†to-do list but being unable to check anything off of it because I can’t focus because my brain… my poor brain has been reduced to mush from months of overuse & weeks over-caffeination.

My social life has imploded because I’m either too tired to do anything or too much of an asshole to hang out with, & I’m feeling out of my depths at work because I’ve never done any of this before & I’m so afraid of messing up, or admitting I’m inexperienced, or asking for help. I’m afraid of letting my boss, & my friends, & even the cute barista who foams my soy milk to perfection in the mornings know that I’m imperfect, & I am overwhelmed, & I can’t do it all. I don’t want people to know that I don’t have it together, &, worst of all, that I never did.

I’ve been like an addict these last few months–addicted to preserving my own feeble facade of perfection & excitement & effortless chic. I’ve dug my shiny, manicured nails into this image I want to present of nonchalance, & spent hours espousing my happiness, & forcing people to take me seriously, & I’ve gotten pretty good at convincing everybody that I know exactly what I’m doing. I can almost convince myself but, like an¬†old linoleum floor, there’s always a corner that lifts.

So this is me saying I’m not perfect, & that I’m sorry, & that, maybe, I need¬†help.

143. Maybe it’s because I get anxious.

142. Maybe it’s because I’m outta here.

I’ve gone to the lake this weekend to celebrate a friend’s birthday (the big 2-5!)¬†&¬†enjoy some much-needed downtime, sans any annoying man meat.

So, I’m still single & things aren’t going that great with barista boy (or any¬†of the other men in my life) but¬†y’all are just going to have to use your imagination as to why…¬†Because¬†I’m planning on taking advantage of the beautiful Alberta weather¬†by¬† lounging in the sun with an adult beverage (or two), enjoying the company of some lady friends, & pretending that boys don’t exist.

142. Maybe it’s because I’m outta here.

141. Maybe it’s because I’m in Winnipeg.

Well, I’m slowly but surely making my way across Canada this summer: first, with an impromptu road trip to the ocean adjacent metropolis of Vancouver, & now I’m trekking through the prairies to Winnipeg to watch two of my favourite people tie the knot.

I’ve never been to the ‘Peg (as it is colloquially known–by me) & I’m excited to take in a new town. I’ve heard wonderful things (& not-so-wonderful things, but I think those people are just jealous of my newfound jet-settin’ lifestyle) & I have plans to get all up in nature’s grill in Assiniboine Park, & hopefully get a chance take in some history by wandering around The Forks.

Going somewhere new is always exciting, as long as you make it exciting. I’m really excited to just get out of Edmonton right now–nothing against my hometown (we are an up & coming Canadian city after all) but I needed a break from my life. This summer has been such a whirlwind for me, & as much as I love being busy… I also want to take some time to slow down & enjoy the ride. When you get older, summers lose their lustre a bit. As a child, there was always a sense of magic around summertime: it was a season that symbolized freedom, & when I was a kid it meant 4 months straight that I could spend outside. Going to the beach, camping, hiking, biking; exercising my imagination & living life as a miniature vagabond between sunrise & sunset. As an adult, summers don’t mean freedom anymore. They are oftentimes a continuation of real life, just hotter. (Way hotter, in Winnipeg it turns out). I mean, they might be smattered with tiny weekend getaways & a week or two away if you’re lucky, but for the most part it’s nothing special.

So, I know people might think it unlikely that I will renew my childlike sense of wanderlust in the city of Winnipeg, but I don’t care.

Anywhere can be an adventure if you make it one.

141. Maybe it’s because I’m in Winnipeg.

140. Maybe it’s because I’m STILL, still unnaturally close with my BFF?

It’s been almost 2 years since my BFF dropped everything & made the trans-Canada trek to Toronto.

& I miss her–I miss her¬†so¬†much. There isn’t a day that goes by that she doesn’t pop into my head. Even if I don’t talk to her for a day, or a week, or a month (we get busy sometimes, & that’s okay), there’s always something that happens that reminds me of her. A song comes on (“She’s Dope”, perhaps?), or something ridiculous will happen (I embarrass myself at least once a day & these moments usually make¬†me think of her–no reason), or maybe I’ll be searching for a shirt that I forgot I lent her & she “forgot” to give back (just kidding–I know I officially gave it to her).

I like these moments–the moments where I pause my life to reflect on the awesome (& occasionally not-so-awesome) times her & I have had the good fortune of sharing. We’ve had the most amazing experiences: trips to Hawaii & Jamaica (the first time I ever saw the ocean was with her by my side), seeing my favourite band in concert, buying ridiculously expensive shoes (worth every penny), countless nights out that I can’t really remember but I know¬†were fun (I mean, I wanna say they were… fun?)… & all the time spent just watching¬†Friends¬†or¬†Lost¬†(remember when Kate got shot? I know my BFF does) or playing Brickbreaker on my crappy Blackberry in bed.

The best times with my BFF were the times we just did nothing¬†together–it’s so rare to find another person who you can just sit &¬†be¬†around. The days where we’d sit in her backyard & talk for hours about everything & anything, or the nights spent driving aimlessly (& sometimes not-so-aimlessly) around, singing duets & drinking steeped tea & smoking menthols like they were a limited resource… those are what I miss the most.

We’ve known each other now for almost 7 years (a third of which have been spent across the country from each other) & our friendship is more rock solid than it’s ever been. There’s a certain comfort in being able to call her up & tell her anything & know that I don’t have to explain, or justify, or exaggerate–that she will take me just as I am (unless I’m being an asshole, in which case she will check me on my shit every single time, & rightfully so). There’s an unconditional bond that transcends time or distance: I am so grateful to have her in my life, even if she has to be thousands of kilometres away. Because the distance doesn’t exist when I pick up the phone & hear her voice.¬†We have these conversations where it’s like she never left–except she did, & I know she did because the growth that we’ve both experienced in the last two years has been amazing. She’s established herself in Toronto & is well on her way to being a successful artist in the musical theatre world–& I’m doing not so bad myself, if I do say so. I am so proud of her & I know she’s proud of me¬†back–we grew up, but we never grew apart.

My BFF is still a very real part of my life–everybody knows who she is & even my friends here who haven’t met her feel like they know her because… to know me is to know her. She is my confidante, my best friend, my only phone call. She is my person. There are pieces of her weaved through me; there are things about myself that would be incomplete without having known her.

Me & my BFF in Hawaii, circa 2010
Me & my BFF in Hawaii, circa 2010
140. Maybe it’s because I’m STILL, still unnaturally close with my BFF?

Dear Canada

I just want to say thank you, Canada, for doing everything you do.

Thank you for being such a strong country, Canada. For being the home to people who handle adversity with peace & grace, & who rally & unite in the face of tragedy. No matter what happens, we know we are stronger together.

Thank you for being such a free country, Canada. A place where the validity of love isn’t determined by gender, where¬†diversity is¬†celebrated & protected by a constitution, & difference of opinion is welcomed instead of punished.

Thanks for being such a beautiful country, Canada. From the red dirt of your East Coast¬†to the sepia-toned wheat fields of your Prairies & the jagged, imperfect artistry of your Rocky Mountain range, you never fail to astound me with your physical glory. I continue to be overwhelmed by your sublime beauty, & you’re only getting better with age.

Thank you Canada, for being you: true North, strong & free.

Have a safe & happy Canada Day, everybody!

Dear Canada